I feel fine. I feel great. I feel okay. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. But I know that it’s positive. I wonder often about my choices such as putting up that choice divider for my “walk-in” closet. Like, “am I becoming a magician?” or “am I supposed to be a sexy magician?” Never sure of what I’m thinking as usual. But it makes me realise that the best thing that anyone can do fro themselves is a pat on the back for following through with their own ideals. I usually don’t mention this, but I am proud for instance in taking a chance to listening to a song that has the word “ideal” in there. It is of course by Weird Paul, aptly titled “I Was a Teenage Idealist.” It’s a great song and he has a strong style to him. Some brands do work for some people. But that’s hard for me understand, because sometimes I look at how people congratulate their own pursuits with an additional dosage of personality, and I wonder if it really makes sense to maintain one’s image so consistently in line with the way everyone’s always been doing it. What about rebirth? Where does that factor itself in? Is there a way you can be proud of your own accomplishments without pissing off your parents? It’s a significant concern, being that your life-force is partially affected by the people who dare to give you unsolicited feedback. There are such tasks that are so simple to do because it requires little to no thought. So can you really be proud of easy tasks that you have done if you feel like there was no work being put into them at all? Positive reinforcement is such a vague jelly that can stretch, solidify, and melt through your fingers instantaneously. No one is safe from that. Let’s say you had a library of cassettes. Would you ever lose them? You say no, but you say that knowing better from your past exploits, in which it has proven unlucky for your continued existence, being that some awesome toy you received from an estranged brother or a love letter you never responded to from this one girl with red hair has been left for dead in the void of nostalgia no one ever talks about. Wondering “what if?” won’t get you anywhere fast. Except a mania. Fretting about how good things could’ve been if you just had valued the meaning behind objects crafted from love would really be. But there’s no use on regretting the past. Acknowledge that in itself but upgrade as a person capable of goodness if you can just bear to put your best foot forward. Maybe it’ll turn out well for you after all of that. There’s so many right ways and so many more wrong ways. I’m just trying to sift through all of that mess to really. See what is the best predicted outcome. But at the end, embracing the likelihood of failure will propel me into a quick succession of gladness and madness. But that is how it usually goes for individuals of the ethereal context. That’s as much as I know. As much as what will happen to people who try so comittedly, that is left to be seen. What can be done with that power? Of experience, both planned and spontaneous? No one plans on being a megalomaniac. But it just sorta happens. That is if you don’t tend to your roots well enough. But one usually does not out of necessity, but the next best thing: Narcissism. Even if we do it for others, we really' don’t. We do it for their opinion of us. We strive for higher thought, praying that they will like us, or even love us for staying true to the vision they valued us most as. And reading this you may say, “Oh, well I don’t care what other people think of me.” Wrong. You do. Why do we wear clothes? So we aren’t judged. Why do we get jobs? So we can buy clothes. Why do we not curse our bosses out? So we can keep wearing the articles of cloth we choose so particularly in the ongoing conquest of finding someone who just can’t wait to rip them off. That is bullshit and that is what we’re stuck with. Because like in “Ratatouille,” you can try the best dish but it will still be made by a rat. And the sooner you except that the world will always dislike rats, the sooner you can multipurpose a strange divide… R.